Thirteen Days and Counting....and NO MORE

Recorded 12/13/2011

I have chosen to not allow my family humiliate or denigrate me in any fashion; and these hold to them whether they are 47 or 74.

They don't have to like it.  They can dislike it until the cows come home.

They can make idle threats, they can scream, yell, piss, moan, moan and groan.

It comes to a set of choices:

• Do they wantt to take part in my life???
• Are they making the choice not to be a part of my life
• Active or passive participation

Charity (love-not handouts) starts within  the home; according to some facts the "Umm...uhhhh" as my eldest brother screamed at me, yelling for ten minutes and nineteen seconds that "G-dammit, do you ever fucking listen to yourself????" [insert babble about multitudes of research he's done on RSD and how it's all started with hydrotherapy and I must get started straight away]

"Look, Paul," I kept my voice calm and even.  "My income is $875; of that, about $440 is spent on medical bills.  Hydrotherapy would be 2-3 days per week. My copay is $40 per visit because the state decided I don't need their assistance with PT, OT, dental or hospice.  So, that would be about $400.  Add the $440 I already spend on medical/dental; please tell me how I am to pay rent, utilities, buy food on $74 per month of food stamps......"

He was having none of it.  "You just have to want it, and accept there's gonna be some pain in the beginning!!!"

I gave up and hung up.

Come Friday--his birthday.  I called to wish him a happy birthday; and ask him if he wanted a gift certificate from Amazon--or the donation to a charity of his choice.

He ignored my call.

I bought two new Kindle books.  To hell with him~~he can go to hell.  No more from him either.  He's feeding the  "Boogeywoman". 

Florida.  13 days!!!

Some Days You Stay in Bed...Others You Get Up & Deal....

Thursday was the day from hell, Friday---shit....it only got worse.

Tomorrow, I actually have hydrotherapy.  If I don't get there tomorrow, someone is going to die....

Here's for laughs!!!

I dare someone  to screw up my ride.  I removed the video because most of it sounded like an imitation of Boris Karloff.  I am just going to make sure that more of it is (and it was) done in a floating position whenever possible.

They seemed to go easier on me, and idk if someone whispered in their ear that I was in so much pain last time, I was shaking...

But right before the appointment, my thoughts were:

I am going to KILL the person who screws up my ride......

I just hope I don't oversleep...

urgghhhhhhhh

I am sooooo tired......why can't I sleep???

I can't possibly be stressed already!!!!!

I just like the kitty and his claws!!!

You can say you're sorry.....Lessons Learned this week

You can say sorry a million times, say I love you as much as you want, say whatever you want, whenever you want. But if you're not going to prove that the things you say are true, then don't say anything at all. Because if you can't show it, your words don't mean a thing.
The things that people say versus the things that they do are at most times much different in comparison. As the quote says we can say sorry a million times, or tell someone that we love them as much as we want, but if we are not really sorry, and if we don't really love them, it will show in the actions that we commit after we say sorry, and after we tell them that we love them. 

An important lesson that we must learn in life is not to say things that we don't mean, and not to say things that we might not be comfortable enough yet proving to someone. The best rule to go by is to just always be as honest as possible, because honesty is the best policy. Don't lie in order to satisfy somebody for a moment, because the pain that you cause them in the future can last them for a lifetime.

 You have to know what your mistakes are, before you adjust them, come to terms with them

And there's always someone with a bigger mouth than God himself that will make you look like a total ass...

                       I

I wanted to quit, I wanted to stop, and I nearly dropped..

But my good friend made me stick with it,

but not to be afraid to let them know what my limits are

That it's okay to have them,

That it's okay to voice them,

to speak up, to say so, and to be strong, not weak

when I say I have them

Cuz I didn't had to be a "super-patient"

I had to learn that lesson hard.

Bio Tuner-Details & Reviews of product

http://www.amazon.com/Sota-Professional-Edition-Model-BT7/dp/B000NB88C8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323311601&sr=8-1

Product Features

• electronic relaxation system
• Micro-current energy pulses appear to have a profound balancing effect on the individual
• Quartz crystal frequency control.Two of the modes contain the 7.83 Hz Schumann (Earth) frequency.The BT7 Bio-Tuner outputs a modified rectilinear waveform with over 500 harmonic frequencies in each pulse. 6 different user-selectable Modes settings are available.
• Advanced microcomputer operation. The proprietary software routine is written by SOTA to ensure consistent and reliable output.Headset and Output Signal Electrical Circuit Verification Indicator.Low battery warning light.
• Built-in 20 minute digital timer.Custom Headset.A push-button switch to easily change the output to each of the 6 different modes.

Reviews:

http://www.amazon.com/Sota-Professional-Edition-Model-BT7/product-reviews/B000NB88C8/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars I warmly recommend, June 7, 2009

By 
Jacques "Jack" (Canada) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Sota - Bio Tuner (Health and Beauty)
This device is really wonderful! I have fibromyalgia and I can have deep refreshing sleeps using this equipment only 20 minutes once a week. It's very easy to use and most secure. I've used it now for some years and it always works without any troubles. I think it's much safer and more natural than drugs. If you can cope with fewer medicine, it will be also cost-effective in long-run. There are lot of research behind it, as you can see with the phrase "cranial electrostimulation therapy". 

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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Would be worth twice the price!, April 13, 2011

By 
Cassimie - 
This review is from: Sota - Bio Tuner (Health and Beauty)
I didn't expect much from this device, but I've had anxiety and depression for years and after trying what seems like everything I was willing to try this one last thing. I'm so glad I did! The instruction booklet said that it could take up to four weeks of daily use to see results, but I felt a dramatic difference in my anxiety within the first fifteen minutes! I've used it nearly every day since it arrived and insisted everyone in my family try it too. If the Bio Tuner had cost twice as much it would've still been well worth the price--and that's the highest compliment I've ever given a product!

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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Works well for moods...., March 30, 2011

By 

Brian Slanger "PhotoMaryland" (Albuquerque, NM) 

This review is from: Sota - Bio Tuner (Health and Beauty)
I sometimes I forget that I have this unit. In the instructions, it says it can be used for anxiety. I have
found it quite effective for this. Once a day for a few weeks, and I forget that I was anxious at all.
Cheaper and safer than drugs! Well recommended.

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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Think Better Act Better, September 7, 2011

By 
Philo Bedo "TMan" (SF Bay Area) 
This review is from: Sota - Bio Tuner (Health and Beauty)
This thing really makes a positive difference. It puts you in a good mood and gives you more mental stamina and confidence. I've only been using it for a few days. I'm really looking forward to seeing the effect after the recommended four weeks. I highly recommend this to everyone. I knew this would be a hit since I've read both of Robert Beck's books and seen many of his videos.

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Santa, I've been a good girl this year, just that and an electric blanket, really is it!!!!

I think the words that are going to apply are "dream on."  $195 is not the kind of dough my dad puts out on me.  No more than $100.  That's it-period.

If I were my sister or one of my herion shooting nieces, that would be different. 

But it's not, I am not, and never will be the "mother" of his "grandchildren"  I gave his 1st up for adoption.  Unforgiveable.  What was I supposed to do?

Shoot, to hell with it, save my cash, and pray.  I frigging hate the holidays---

Ketamine coma anyone???

Day Two post hydrotherapy

Ok, I asked my pain doc for suggestions, and he recommended this; has one RSD patient recently acquired who swears by it, and countless fibromyalgia patients, patients with anxiety who swear by it, and anyone who has reviewed it for Amazon has given a 5-star rating:

http://www.amazon.com/Sota-Professional-Edition-Model-BT7/dp/B000NB88C8/ref=wl_it_dp_o_npd?ie=UTF8&coliid=IY621DTP1XU8A&colid=1A9BHAPZJWC9Z

Granted, they're pricey and not covered by insurance because the FDA/DEA isn't involved to muck it up and screw with it; as he put it (seriously), but he's lately turned to stuff like this, and has not let me down-ever..................................................

Right now, it's knitting in semi-darkness with the lighhts on, but shoot, I would willingly shell out $200 if I could figure out how it works, which is tough to tell from the photograph, but I'd kill for one.

But right now, in the Men's department (XL), they have a flannel pajama bottom in "the material"" (aka, the kind thhat doesn't put me into orbit.  I also want to try a heat lamp and get an electric blanket.....

Here's the video--I am halfway presentaable

And HAHAHA you can hardly see me!!!!  Same instructions apply if I start to sound like Boris Karloff...skip ahead a couple beats...should solve it


The only reason I don't LOOK like Boris is because it's so damn dark because I am still recovering...guess what????


Hydrotherapy tomorrow!!!!


No rest for the wicked!!!!!

Again, for reference, RSD/CRPS, aka, Causalgia---a type of nerve pain (how I wish they'd rated "Sciatica") on here, but maybe that's what is meant by "Chronic back pain:"

RSD/CRPS = 42 (and it's 24/7)   
      9many nerve pain syndromes rank upwards towards RSD/CRPS)
It has yet to be studied where fibromyalgia ranks on the McGill Pain Index
Amputation of a finger:  40  (not chronic)
1st Childbiirth = 38 (Not chronic, albeit highly painful)
2nd Childbirth = 34 (not chronic, albeit highly painful)
Chronic back pain: 27
Non-terminal cancer & phantom limb pain = 25
bruise/fracture:  16

Be a Fruit Loop in a World of Cheerios?

Not going on camera: feel like shit.

I am feeling it....baaaaaadddddddd!!!!!!!!

I would not subject you to me on camera.  Suffice to say that I am going to tell them I need to start with some floating to loosen up, and maybe use the "worms" more than I thought.

When doing some of the exercises I found that my calf muscle was less cooperative..or stretch somehow, I don't think I can come in and jump right into the exercises....my body is talking to me, and this is what it's saying:

We already know I am a fruit loop, but I ain't havin' Cheerios today!!!!

My Day: The day after---as an individual

I was tempted to go to the ER, but realized these days, I'm only going to get about a lollipop and that's about it, and if you're lucky, a ride home, if not, security walks you to the door, furthering the humiliation, especially after they are careful to give you a copy of their narcotics policy.


So I toughed it out....called my PCP.


She's willing to treat the nausea but nothing else.  She wants to refer me to a "chronic pain specialist" who deals with "dosages of narcotic pain meds."  Yeah, probably to drop them as low as possible....I do not have hyperanalgesia, idiot, I have hyperalgesia.  Learn the difference and get back to me.  This "Rate of pain on 1-10."

Today (NEVER THAT I WOULD), the pain is around a 9.  I am waaaaaaay past feeling merely "antisoocial.


I want to tear someone's throat out because I can and becase they are there.  Rip their hair out because I feel like it.....so where does that put me on the list of those stupid happy smiley/frownney faces they get out of Waley & Wong's Pediatric Nursing Textbook (not a joke--that part is true...)

Now, I get using them this the next time they ask me to rate my pain on a 1-10.  It simply can't be done.  Not right now, at least.  And the Chronic Pain Specialis only want to lowereverything.  What does that serve, especially when I want to pull my hair out, rip out your trachea with my teeth for the simple matter that I can and I am pissed off enough to do it (anger stage of grief possibly?  Or just the "Piss Off to you too stage?) and the only thing that stands between me and total loss of sanity is some level of pain relief, whether they object to the dose or not.  I am breathing, oxygenating well, and talking in coherent sentences.

I have RSD, dammit--look here:

See the CRPS/Causalgia?  That is RSD!!!  Ok, so how would YOU be able to concentrate???


It's exhausting, migraine-producing, screaming, hellacious day.

And when you find that you are being told to get rid of, reduce the dose of what has finally given you relief.

When you work so hard to find something that works: it works: you're living at the top of the pain scale.  I cannot have too much change at the same time....and leave my meds alone!!!!!  They are between me and the prescriber--and not that my education would allow me to be stupid enough to overdose.  I've had chronic pain for 20-25+ years at age 37, and I am going to have a freaking tolerance. 

And each is an individual, dammit!!!!