My Day: The day after---as an individual

I was tempted to go to the ER, but realized these days, I'm only going to get about a lollipop and that's about it, and if you're lucky, a ride home, if not, security walks you to the door, furthering the humiliation, especially after they are careful to give you a copy of their narcotics policy.


So I toughed it out....called my PCP.


She's willing to treat the nausea but nothing else.  She wants to refer me to a "chronic pain specialist" who deals with "dosages of narcotic pain meds."  Yeah, probably to drop them as low as possible....I do not have hyperanalgesia, idiot, I have hyperalgesia.  Learn the difference and get back to me.  This "Rate of pain on 1-10."

Today (NEVER THAT I WOULD), the pain is around a 9.  I am waaaaaaay past feeling merely "antisoocial.


I want to tear someone's throat out because I can and becase they are there.  Rip their hair out because I feel like it.....so where does that put me on the list of those stupid happy smiley/frownney faces they get out of Waley & Wong's Pediatric Nursing Textbook (not a joke--that part is true...)

Now, I get using them this the next time they ask me to rate my pain on a 1-10.  It simply can't be done.  Not right now, at least.  And the Chronic Pain Specialis only want to lowereverything.  What does that serve, especially when I want to pull my hair out, rip out your trachea with my teeth for the simple matter that I can and I am pissed off enough to do it (anger stage of grief possibly?  Or just the "Piss Off to you too stage?) and the only thing that stands between me and total loss of sanity is some level of pain relief, whether they object to the dose or not.  I am breathing, oxygenating well, and talking in coherent sentences.

I have RSD, dammit--look here:

See the CRPS/Causalgia?  That is RSD!!!  Ok, so how would YOU be able to concentrate???


It's exhausting, migraine-producing, screaming, hellacious day.

And when you find that you are being told to get rid of, reduce the dose of what has finally given you relief.

When you work so hard to find something that works: it works: you're living at the top of the pain scale.  I cannot have too much change at the same time....and leave my meds alone!!!!!  They are between me and the prescriber--and not that my education would allow me to be stupid enough to overdose.  I've had chronic pain for 20-25+ years at age 37, and I am going to have a freaking tolerance. 

And each is an individual, dammit!!!!