FOUND MY LIMBIC SYSTEM LONG ENOUGH TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Kat,

PT/OT, and any physiotherapy for RSD can be greuling and totally exhausting!!!!  You are actually seeing the sides of me that are doing well.  Yes, slow speech, appearance is not Julia Roberts, but I will get there some dau!!!!  It's a long, greuling road to recovery and ya know a couple more heating pads like the one I purchased myself would make life all the more bearable.....God, I just pray that come June when my housing voucher ends, I have a place to go, and hell, at this point, a retirement/disabled housing would be just fine.  Especially if it had a hot tub!!!  Such it is to dream!!!

Love to ya all & successful holiday   if you don't see my mug shot online or my body being zipped into a body bag after parental units murder; but I will keep posting!!!!

Love ya!

THE MORNING AFTER....missing my my limbic system--added a page (ahem!!!!)

I trust I look like shit here; this much I know.  Interesting especially was the sudden "oh I didn't realize you were actually sick, but have always believed you."  Yeah, if it was a "psych" issue, you old bat!!!

Oh well, I am determined to have a

no matter what--even if it's after she leaves!!!!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!!!!

Hydrotherapy Day--Thursday-tired, so tired

       My goal is to be able to have someone take photos or videos of me (eek!!!!!) while in my next hydrotherapy session; I am exhausted, but of note, I have already been able to rely more on other measures, such as heat, rubs, etc, and am hoping in a few months to scale back more on medication.  If only the YMCA did not make it so daggone hard (letter from IRS, statement from Social Security 30-90 days old, and then they will "see what they can do...."

Get this:                                               From this:

I realize we're all low on funds, but asking people with physical limitations to run all over town and back and probably end up with maybe a $5 decrease in a $65/month fee for their gym, they are asking, IMHO, a bit much.  Cuz to me, it feels like the NYC marathon.  They make it sound like "no biggie."  Then you do it, lady.  Cuz I am about to pass out.

I worked at it extra hard today, so I am guessing I will be extra useless tomorrow.  I am going to have my housing Case Manager take a video of me and see if it will post/upload.

I kept it short, I am exhausted!!!!  At bloody 8pm!!!!  But I'm working on it.

I am beginning to re-think even short, low-dose hospital based courses of ketamine.  Not sure it's available in Washington or if my insurance will pay....we'll see.

Mom wants to "donate a queen sized bed," but demannds I "don't embarass her."

I told her to hire the cleaning service of her choice and then she wouldn't be "embarassed."  Screw her!  I have a few things on my plate.

THIRTEEN DAYS!!!!

ALLY, MY RSD ANGEL

ALLY, YOU ARE MY 


RSD ANGEL


THIS  CHRISTMAS

I WENT TO A LOT OF FUNERALS THIS YEAR

FOR A LOT OF REASONS, YOURS WAS THE MOST TRAGIC AND SENSELESS.

I AM SORRY TO YOU FOR THE WAY IT WAS HANDLED; I CAN ONLY SAY I HAD TO WALK AWAY FROM THAT.

YOUR SPIRIT LIVES ON; YOU TOO, WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!!!  FIGHT TO THE END, EXIT WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY.

Acceptance? Never.... Love? Equally unlikely.

i got to thinking of the $200 I had saved to buy my family each.  I felt so bad about how I've treated them, I bought myself one of these

I bought myself a Kindle Fire instead.  Now if my mom wants to call me cold, selfish, and a bitch, at least she'll be close.  Oh, and carry on about how I can't afford it.


But you guys got to check these things out---they are  sweet......
http://www.amazon.com/Kindle-Fire-Amazon-Tablet/dp/B0051VVOB2/ref=amb_link_359250382_2?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-1&pf_rd_r=1G316E6AP24CQ633ZP4C&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1340226322&pf_rd_i=507846


My heart FELT small and my heart WAS FEELING broken~but anyone who gets spoken to by their parents in this manner:

Court order aside; it's over 1 year old now; I have to re-file....seems pointless given repeated violations and the fact that I am unlikely to see her again..since she leaves for Florida 


But with respect to the voicemail and the proposed shopping trip:

• I never said that I didn't want to go.
• What I said was that I wanted to wear my "Coast Guard" t-shirt
• but any pants would need to be material I could tolerate without severe pain, as I would wear them for >4 hours.

But does a daughter's ache when her mother says 

• "Fuck you you goddamned whore!""
• "You're a fucking bitch..."
• "I hate you--you are a pain in the ass."
• "You are so fucking crazy they will  never find the right medication because you are so fucking stupid---assed nuts there will never exist a medication to treat 'crazy bitchy;'
• "You don't know shit about shit, and your medical problems is just a huge amount of imaginary BULLSHIT."

My mother said all of those.......


My stepmother: With the RSD;

• I tell her I have RSD
• I show her the letter from the www.rsdhope.org
• I send info on ME and on RSD
• I hear her say she has read it
• She even says she is "worried"

But when she shows up:

• We go from Winco
• Straight to Costco
• Then to Right Aide
• To about five different stores......
• Then to Walmart to shop for clothes "I need" 
• none are things I can tolerate
• I want to rip them off within and sit in my chair naked.

Then she shows up a day or two later with groceries, smiling, presents.  What is with that?  Drive me into the ground until I am dead, and then smile pretty for the camera??


It really does make me feel like a whore to accept it, so I do my level best not to.  I avoid her, and I try to stay the hell off the map...  Christmas???  For them??  A nice e-card, pop a valium, and enjoy what I BOUGHT MYSELF:

OPEN LETTER TO THE FAMILY.....

An Open Letter to my Family,

You have gone, it feels, to great lengths to do whatever you can to break my heart.

When someone shows you how ashamed you should feel, you simply throw money at it, or me, fine, you want to buy me a new outfit for Christmas at your house?

Ok, I have no problem with that.  But please make it something I am not going to be racing home after the Christmas festivities and rip off because the pain is so intense I am about to vomit from the pain caused by it rubbing on my leg that my leg is now swollen, purple, and will take days, if not a week to return to a semblence of normalcy.  Please make it something that will commemorate a friend who just died at age 16 of cancer of the CT scans and treatments related to her RSD?

Please just soften the tragedy of my last 24 hours a little.

Oh, and thanks to the pain, it's 4:45am, and I've yet to sleep.  Ten am was when you wanted me to me useful?

Please just consider my feelings on this one day???

Forget about the hypocrite brother I will very likely have to sit next to at both festivities!
The faked smiles on my part.

Just freaking leave me alone!  But this????  You can go to hell!!!!

If this is your idea of a voice mail, then bite my ass!!!  Clearly a violation, but you've already decided it's just a piece of paper.  But if you want people to do as you want--this is a bad way to start.

I will spend my holidays with a friend:  Who knows what unconditional love is:

Main Entry:	unconditional love
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	affection with no limits or conditions; completelove

Dictionary.com's 21st Century Lexicon
Copyright © 2003-2011 Dictionary.com, LLC

Your not liking something I do, disagreeing with it, etc, and placing limits of your love on whether I behave the way you want or in the fashion in which you do so is the definition of narcissism....I don't bow to it, and I stopped when I moved out of your house, and if you want to cut me out of your life, it only proves that I am right about you, Cecelia, 

"The study of human nature may be thought of as an art with many tools at its disposal, an art closely related to all the other arts, and relevant to them all. In literature and poetry, particularly, this is especially significant. Its primary aim must be to broaden our knowledge of human beings, that is to say, it must enable us all to become better, fuller, and finer people." -- Alfred Adler

You all have a good holiday now--and if you are spending it around this, I wish you luck, but it was your choice:

Borderline Personality Disorder:

http://lovedonesofborderlinepersonality.com/

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html#npd

There's no recovery from the narcissist or borderline; only understanding.  Educate, boundaries, and lots of distance.  I sucked at the latter.  I figured no harm since she's leaving January 2.

WRONG!


To the rest of you, remember, no drama is better drama!!!

Stiff in therapy today: Parents behaving badly!

Little stiff today in and out of the water..  I loosened up after a bit, but it was hard (not that way, get your mind outta the gutter!!!  LOL) to get into it and sharing the pool was a first, so I had to make some adjustments...

God Bless Ally (1995-2011); MY FIRST "RSD ANGEL"

No more pain; partying with your predecessors!!

I am so proud of you; you knew love and compassion in the true sense and long before people 5 times your age....You were an ANGEL to begin with, I am only sorry RSD had to be added.

Until God decides we meet, may He hold you gently in the palm of His hand.

....a little about me

Ok, so Dad wants to waste money on an outfit that is material that is going to send me into orbit pain-wise, and I want to think about it.  Think about it!!!  I have things I would find helpful, oh, like a pair of warm gloves, new pillows for m, y bed, clothes that are comfortable against my skin; as opposed to "Do I want to spend 3-4 hours in clothes that will make me want to vomit from pain?"  I was considering not only spending-in violation of the court order-the time at her house, just because it is the last time I will ever see her (maybe just to make sure, who knows, us LDS-ers are great at guilt, even the former ones), and mentioned how I felt about my father's "offer" better known as lack of ability to accept having me as is child.

Neither can.  Here's my mother's voicemail:
Yeah, another violation--like it's always been:  a piece of paper!!

How about a simple solution?

I spend Christmas with neither of them?  They can't behave like mature adults?  Screw them both!
My mom's response will be that she will take back what she got me.
Good...  I wouldn't want that on my conscience....and I have more self-respect than that.

Besides, I have her party to plan for when she leaves.


As for DAD:
I will never meet his standards.  Why bother????

Why did I have to get such shitty parents?  Why couldn't I have gotten parents who'd give a crap if I did kick?  Oh, I don't plan to anytime soon.

My heart has a hole in it where God puts a parent.